Loving Little Cousin Aubrey

Tennis

Seventeen!

Wynn had a sleep-over with 3 friends.

Lots of laughter.

Lots of fun.

(This was before Yenny officially moved in.)

Junior picture

School Update

The blogs are sadly neglected, mostly replaced by Facebook.

I needed to come back and update Wynn's school journey as the year is ending. Since my negotiations with the school resolved before Christmas break, it has been so much better! Wynn is doing a program called Read 180 (a Scholastic program) which has been very helpful in encouraging her to read in English. This program has components for remedial reading instruction and for English Language Learners. We still do vocabulary homework together, but not with quite the ridiculous lists as before. Wynn practices and practices spelling. (I love it that she comes to me for help, insisting that I explain the word meanings better than her teacher. Something Mom can help with!)

Because she is spending so much time and effort learning the basics - reading and writing English - I worry that she is not getting enough content classes. "We" haven't taken enough History or Science. We are going to take an online Biology class this summer.

Aside: We were told that she had to take the Biology EOC test. Washington State law: Students in the classes of 2015 and beyond must pass a biology EOC to graduate. We had already been told that she had to take all standardized tests, "no exceptions," after she had been in the US for 12 months. This EOC exam was last Friday, and Wynn, who has never had a biology class, was STRESSED about it. I got a text from her in the middle of the day, "Something is not cool!!! The school wants me to take the Biology EOC on this Friday. I don't understand why and what is about." I tried to tell her that 1) I'm sorry. 2) It's just a stupid law; the school doesn't want to make you do it either. 3) It 100% doesn't matter how she does on the test, so don't worry. (Ha! Not likely). I contacted both counselors and her math teacher, who is one of her favorite people and asked them to talk to her and try to ease her anxiety. Several conversations and a couple of days later, I got this text, "I was at office to talk about test. I will not take the test." Yay! A victory! I don't know how they arranged to exempt her (until after a biology course, at least), but I thanked them sincerely.

On another note, family life has been smooth and delightful. We have had, of course, normal ups and downs of moods and sibling squabbles - all of them, not just Wynn ;) - but we have not had any recurrence of the challenges of last August/September. She is 100% part of the family in all our hearts, and she has been behaving as if she feels the same way. She certainly likes to be busy! She has big plans and is always making more and trying to figure out how to fit it all in. We can't keep up with her.

As the school year winds down, Wynn has been collecting her awards and certificates. Having never held a tennis racquet before, she went out for the tennis team. Not knowing how to read a note of music, she joined the band, playing pep band, concerts, marching band and earning her "letter." She is brave and amazing. Her awards include most improved at tennis, meeting the reading standards for her level of Read 180 (reading in English!) and having the highest geometry grade. We are so proud!

School Advocacy (?)

Wynn's English class has been troublesome for her.  We went over her vocabulary lists nightly. She would have me read them (regular pronunciation, slow diction, definition, example sentence, regular pronunciation again) into the recorder on her iPod so she could listen and study.  She was still failing every vocabulary quiz.

It is my opinion that the words were ridiculous.  Though fine for a sophomore English class, they have absolutely no practical value for Wynn at this stage of her language learning.  They were learning vocabulary in sets related by Greek or Latin root word.  I think the first one was "graph."  Words like "biography" are probably fine, but what use is it to try to learn the definition of "hydrography" or "chirography" at this time? The same goes for the root "phone."  While "microphone" and even "phonology" can probably make sense to her, when will she really need the word "optophone?"  

I contacted the teacher asking for modification of her expected vocabulary lists, and the teacher said no.  She told me, "Actually, learning root words is very helpful in learning English," to which I responded in vague agreement but tried to point out that this was an inappropriate level for someone who does not yet have a complete handle on auxiliary "do" or "is," and has not mastered comparative or superlative "-er" or "-est."  The teacher assured me that it would soon be better as they would be transitioning to vocabulary units of literary terms.

Along came the literary terms:  plot, conflict, character, imagery, foreshadowing, metaphor, theme, personification, satire, climax, falling action, etc.  The problem with these is not in their application to written material but in the memorization of their definitions.  Personification was defined something like this, "The attribution of a human-like qualities to inanimate objects, concepts,or abstractions." (I would like to challenge this teacher to learn that phrase in Chinese.) We went over each literary term at great length using examples from Island of the Blue Dolphins, Anne of Green Gables, The Hunger Games, even The Simpsons and Veggie Tales. I am confident that she understood each one. On the test, though, she had to match the term with the formally written definition, and she failed. 

At this same time, I was frustrated with the material she was being asked to read.  I posted on Facebook:

I start reading Wynn's English homework aloud to Michael to demonstrate that I don't think it's at her reading level:

"Without, the night was cold and wet, but in the small parlour of Laburnam Villa the blinds were drawn and the fire burned brightly. Father and son were at chess, the former, who possessed ideas about the game involving radical changes, putting his king into such sharp and unnecessary perils that it even provoked comment from the white-haired old lady knitting placidly by the fire.

'Hark at the wind,' said Mr. White, who, having seen a fatal mistake after it was too late, was amiably desirous of preventing his son from seeing it."

At that exact moment, Wynn picked up Ari's Grade 1 Phonics Reader 8 and said, "What is P-A-M?" 

As I continued having a going-nowhere conversation with the teacher, it was time for Wynn to pick a novel from the approved curriculum book list.  She picked Island of the Blue Dolphins (which she has read before, but I don't care.)  She was reading the book in Chinese for good comprehension but doing the homework in English.  (Describe the setting.  Use examples of imagery. / Tell how the author uses explicit and implicit characterization to create the main character.)

Then I got an e-mail from her English teacher that began like this, "Hello - I just found out that Wynn is reading a Chinese version of her English reading book.  Having her read it in Chinese is completely the wrong direction we should go.  She needs to read English words in order to learn English. She will have to take the HSPE in English this spring - no exceptions . . ."

Can you hear me screaming?  I understand that the teacher has no say whatsoever over Wynn taking the HSPE, but throwing her in over her head and watching her flounder and fail is not going to help her pass.  The HSPE score just cannot be a priority for her.  (I did look into whether this test is available in other languages.  Yes, but students are only eligible for a non-English version for 12 months.  After that, she should be caught up to Sophomore level, right?)

The "don't let her read in Chinese" advice (accompanied nicely by a suggestion that I hire a private tutor and the teacher would help me find one) was the last straw for me.  Many phone calls to many people at the school, and she is no longer going to be in this English class.  She is going to be doing a Scholastic Program called Read 180 instead.  We will see how it goes.  (Actually, in the beginning, they were going to add Read 180 but leave her in the English class.  I had to be uncomfortably bitchy and say, "I want her out of that class.")

Anyone have experience with Read 180?  I can read about it online but cannot access the portal to work on it with Wynn at home.  I am still very optimistic that it will be a change for the better. Sorry about lowering the school district average on the HSPE! (Not.)

Behind the Wheel

Watch out, world.  Someday soon, she'll be behind the wheel!

Drivers' Ed actually started ON her 16th birthday.  Her dad asked her how she got that worked out so perfectly.  She flashed her beautiful smile, pointed at her cheeks, and said, "Dimples are lucky."

Beautiful Girl

This is one stunning "selfie."

Good thing she has 4 brothers, a dad, and a whole bunch of uncles to protect her, huh?

At this time, Michael has this picture as his wallpaper on his phone, and he says he just shakes his head and thinks, "Pretty girl" and "Trouble. . . " every time he picks it up.  I said it's a parent's job to think their children are pretty.  He responds, "No.  She's really pretty."  LMAO.

Sweet 16

Wynn's birthday celebration was great!  We went to Triple Play, a family fun park, which included mini-golf, bowling, arcade, and water park.  (I hadn't paid for the outdoor activities since I couldn't predict fall weather when I made reservations.  It turned out to be a beautiful day, and it was kind of a bummer that we hadn't included go-karts and bumper boats in our package.)  Wynn even set up an awesome surprise for me, and Travis showed up!!!  We got more pictures of the little kids than the big kids because the little ones don't hide from the camera the way the big kids do.  (That means you, Wynn and Rose!)

The Birthday Girl.

Uncle Travis, Andrew, Dad, Conor, Rose
Nana, Ben, Amanda (Matthew's Amanda, not Andrew's, lol), Auntie, Wynn
Gabrian, Ariana,
Cameron

After Triple Play, we had dinner at Pizza Hut, and I wish I had a picture of that! We ordered 5 large pizzas, but there was something wrong with the large crusts, so for 3 of the larges, they substituted 2 mediums each. That was a mess of pizzas!

The next day was lunch at Wynn's favorite, Hu Hot Mongolian Grill, and ice cream cake with a minion on it.  This was also the first holiday that Wynn has not seemed sad or disappointed about something.  It was a weekend packed with a whole lot of fun!

Rejection, From Those Rejected

Being back in school has helped Wynn's outlook.  Boredom is not good for her!  She has a million things to tell us about school every day.  In general, day to day life together is smooth and comfortable.  Wynn is amazingly intelligent and determined.

Still, behind the daily pleasant conversations are lots of little jabs and pokes, what I've come to term micro-aggressions.  These are the little ways that she tells us each day that she is not going to participate in being part of our family on our terms.  Mild examples of these are scribbling out her birthday on multiple calendars; addressing me by my first name; leaving messages about her anger, some with profanity, on different papers in unpredictable places.  None of them are big, or direct, rebellions.  It makes me sad, though, and I don't know the best approach.  I don't know how much these are just teenage girl issues and how much are adoption issues.  Wynn will not discuss any of the above.

One of my "love notes" from Wynn.  Of course, the correct thing to do with this one is add a "t," because it is obviously a good day to start a diet.

If parents of one of my patients asked me about similar issues with an adopted or foster child, I would likely tell them that there is a normal stage of learning attachment where a child will test the bonds between himself and the family-in-progress.  I would also advise that it is usually the primary caregiver who will receive the brunt of these tests for two reasons:  One, the closeness of the bond between child and primary caregiver is the one that makes the child feel most vulnerable in the uncertainty of whether this bond is breakable.  And two, as a child struggles for independence, the one on whom he has been most dependent is the one from whom he must push away most firmly.  I would advise unconditional and frequently demonstrated love and very consistent boundaries.  That's what I would say if it were someone who is not me. . .  (And if it were at work, I would be speaking of a much younger child.)

It doesn't leave me with any answers about the best approach.  When my daughter leaves messages about me, describing me with profanity, on the password sheet that hangs in the computer room, should there be a negative consequence (as there would be with a bio child)?  Or would that just send a message that you are required to love your family (and do it my way), any anger is misplaced, and further close the door on communication?

I read some articles to try to get some ideas, and there's not a lot out there for stories that parallel ours.  I did find an article about adopting teens from foster care in which this sentence stood out,  "[Adopted teens'] behaviors invariably test the commitment of their new parents." (Pat O'Brien, the founder of You Gotta Believe, an agency that specializes in placing teens with adoptive families.)  

My first thought was, OK, this is not unusual.  Adopted teens will "invariably" test.  My second thought was that this did not apply to Wynn.  This article is talking about young people who have had multiple placements and have lived through the non-permanency of the foster care system.  It says, for example, "when foster youth exhibit typical negative behaviors, it can get them thrown out of foster homes and even some adoptive homes." Wynn has not been through the foster care system, and she is in absolutely no danger of being removed from our family.

As I thought about it, I started trying to understand how much rejection she may have felt in the past and what understanding she might have (or not have) about permanency.  First, she was abandoned at about 6 months of age.  I believe that this was not the choice her birth family intended or wanted, or they would not have cared for her for 6 months; I believe they loved her. However, to the one abandoned, it is the ultimate rejection.  Then, she went to an orphanage, and then to a foster family.  Once her file was submitted for adoption, though it was totally out of her control, she knew why her picture was being taken.  She knew that families could choose to adopt her . . . and she waited . . . for years.  How could that not feel like rejection?  It seems that the school implied that it was because she was not a good student. (This is reflected in her adoption file reports and was told to us by the orphanage director.  They are wrong.  She is brilliant.)  She told us that her foster mom told her she wasn't chosen because she wasn't pretty enough.  Rejection.  Then, she lost her foster family.  They did not reject her; it is clear through their ongoing contact that they love her and believe that an American adoption is the best opportunity that she could be given.  Still, they sent her away.  How can she not feel rejected, and what notion might she have about what we call "forever family?"

Food for thought.  Food for tears.  Wynn, we love you SO MUCH, and I hope that you come to know it in your head and feel it in your heart with conviction and certainty that requires no thought.

Sensational Sophomore

Frustration; It Is Not Always Rosy, Redux

This is a previous post, revisited and edited because the ending is different.

As mentioned in a previous post, Wynn went for a week to Christian summer camp. When she came back, she was initially happy and chattered the whole drive home about all the wonderful things at camp.  Once home, she quickly became angry and sullen, especially at me, and by the end of the day, she had resorted to fully giving me the silent treatment.  She did not speak a single word to me for more than a week.  She is not afraid of commitment!  She was even willing to forego privileges (like going out with Mandy) because I told Mandy yes, but that Wynn had to ask me for permission.

As nearly as I can figure out, the problem was this:  While Wynn was gone, Ariana played with her iPod, primarily using it to watch Angelina Ballerina on Netflix.  Apparently, though, she also played a game on it and messed up Wynn's score or virtual awards Wynn had collected.  I believe that Wynn was angry that I did not protect her things.  Worse, I wasn't very sympathetic.  I told her not to leave her things out.  She has a room of her own, and each child has a safe for money and "valuables."

After just over a week, I finally had currency that led her to find her voice.  It was "payday" for chores.  She had not totally warmed up again, but she was begrudgingly talking a little, so she was allowed to go to my mom's and my sister's (and back and forth) between summer camp and Cameron's birthday.  While she was gone, she talked to me on the phone, texted me, communicated on Facebook.  All seemed fine.

When she returned, almost instantly, she went right back to silent.  This one puzzled me.  I had learned my lesson from the summer camp week.  I kept her door locked the whole time, unlocking it with a key to enter and feed her fish.  This time, I didn't know why.  I even peeked in her room to make sure her fish was still alive.  Maybe I killed her fish or something.  I finally began to get an inkling that the problem was this:  She erroneously believed that the younger children had been in her room stealing her TV tokens while she was gone.  I told her that her door had been locked the whole time, and if anything was missing, it was from before she left, and I would help her find it. She seemed to begin to thaw.  It was a slow thaw.

Finally, the last few days, she has been our happy, giggling, squealing, helpful, fun, and funny girl.

Today, I ticked her off again.  She was angry at Gabrian.  In her defense, he was being extra rowdy and obnoxious, like a 7 1/2 year old boy.  She forced him outside and locked all the doors. This is against the rules, which they all know. (They get the idea from me because Ari does get put outside the door on the enclosed deck when she has a meltdown.  That girl knows how to tantrum! But siblings are not allowed to use this technique on each other.)  I let him back in.  (Primarily because I had just gotten out of the shower and was bare naked in my room and quite startled when I looked up to see Gabrian trying to open my window in my bedroom.)  Wynn was furious. "Why do you let him in?!!!"  I said, "It's against the rules to lock anyone outside,"  and she yelled, "I don't care about your stupid damn rule.  You just spoil him!"  And from that moment, we're back to the silent treatment.

  

I understand how frustrating it must be to try to deal with Gabrian and Ariana all day.  They (Conor and Wynn) have to have something to motivate good behavior or Gabrian and Ari resort to "You're not the boss!" and totally obnoxious behavior.  Wynn has a hard time understanding boundaries of how roughly she can treat the other children.  Both in anger and in play, she very often (more than daily) pinches, hits, twists ears and leads children around by them, uses handfuls of hair as a leash.  She is frequently reprimanded for this behavior and always angry about it.  (We do see this kind of discipline/incentive given to children on some of her Chinese TV shows, so maybe this is an accepted way of relating to children in China.  Nonetheless, it is not OK in our home.)

Understanding that help was needed, today, I re-implemented the "star strip," a behavior tool from the past.  The children get three stars, which can be removed for misbehavior. At the end of a specified time period, there is a consequence if all stars or gone and/or a reward if there are stars remaining (carrot and stick both stated in advance).  This used to work for Cameron; he hated having a star torn off his "star strip" far more than he liked earning a token reward.  Anyway, today I made "Star strips" and made sure that the young hooligans knew that Conor and Wynn were authorized to remove stars.  Loss of all stars would result in early bedtime.  I also gave Conor a couple extra TV tokens that he or Wynn could use to reward good behavior or as out and out bribes.  When I got home, Wynn had destroyed the star strips, tearing them up and scribbling all over them.  The silent treatment continues.  Dinner was skipped.

Throughout these incidents, I have tried so very (very) hard to give no reaction.  I continue talking, from "Good morning, Sweetheart.  Did you sleep well?" to "Good night.  I'll see you in the morning."  There's not a lot to talk about when met by stony silence and emphatic exit, but I still address her when outlining the schedule for the day, upcoming family events and plans, offering smoothies, and asking her preferences on those items/events in which the kids get a say.  Pause to see if there's an answer (no) and continue with no reaction.  I did not want to teach that this strategy is a powerful or even effective one!

The original ending to this blog post explained how I had decided that the ignore / don't assign power technique was not working.  I had decided that if someone decided to not behave like a civil family member, she did not deserve all the privileges that the kids get.  I was taking away her iPod, internet access, and computer account.  (Her favorite pastime is watching Chinese TV online.)  Privileges would be restored when polite behavior was restored.  But . . . my husband convinced/reassured me that any negative reaction would add fuel to the fire, and consistent non-reaction was the way to go.  Sigh.

Later, it also occurred to me that a young lady who has to try to integrate herself into a strange and already established family unit has every reason to withdraw.  In addition to that, she is probably operating within a reasonable paradigm to test the limits of family love and tolerance to see if it really is immutable.  What she needs is consistent acceptance and love, even at her grumpiest.

And she really is a lovely and lovable girl!

Update:  And our happy, chatterbox girl DID come back on the very same day this was posted.  She is such a joy!  We will continue to love her and hang in there when she is unhappy and unable to talk about it.

Good To Have My Girl Home

Wynn left us for a while.  First, she went to Camp Pinecroft at Pend Oreille Bible Camp for a week.  Just barely back from that, she left to go stay with Auntie and Uncle Eric (and most importantly, Ben) for a few days.  She went from there to stay at Nana's, visit cousin Rose, and go camping with Uncle Matt and Amanda.  Then, she went back to Auntie's. . . then back to Nana's . . . and finally, home for Cameron's birthday.  THEN, she slept for a couple of days.

It is very good to have her back!  We all missed her.

With friends at Pinecroft.

Rose, Mandy, Ben, & Wynn

Back home finally!  Getting ready to go to a wedding.

Happy

Bunnies!

A week or so ago, we were talking about how Gabrian and Ariana used to like feeding the bunnies when they were little.  Wynn was surprised to learn that we used to have rabbits.  (I was surprised she hadn't noted pictures on the blog.)  She wondered where we put them, and when I said, "In the rabbit run," she didn't know what I meant.  I explained that the wire pen below the deck was for rabbits and how it was made with wire under the dirt so the rabbits don't dig out.  I suggested that it might be possible to get more bunnies (Yeah, twist my arm!), and she was really excited.  I said we'd have a lot of work to do because we haven't had rabbits in a couple of years, and we'd have to dig out the run (which was completely overgrown with morning glory).  The next day, she was out cleaning the run.  She requested that I take pictures of her working for the blog, which I did, but I can't find them.  (Sorry, Daughter.)

The next step was looking at lots of pictures of bunnies to decide if she wanted standard ears or lops, as well as pictures with people to scale the rabbits so she could decide if she wanted a large or small breed.  She settled on lops, and I think she'd have been OK with any size, so it was just a matter of which variety became available first.  First available were 8 week old Holland Lops.  SO CUTE.

These little guys created a little work in a couple of areas.  First of all, we have had French Lops and Mini Lops, but not Holland Lops.  These will be smaller than our other rabbits, so we dug the whole rabbit run out, down to the wire, and I am in the process of lining it all with smaller gauge wire before we put the soil back in.  (I am scratched to bits from sharp bunny nails and working with wire.  Cuddling a bunny when a Great Dane comes along to sniff isn't gentle on the skin of the upper chest.)  No hurry on the rabbit run project, though, because, for now, the bunnies live in a 2'x2' cage on the deck until they are "potty" trained and desirous of handling.  They are very friendly actually, the grey more than the black, but I won't put them out where they could dig or hide from people until they consistently come to people and want picked up.  Otherwise, we'll have shy bunnies who bolt underground instead of coming to us.

In addition to housing, we had to come up with names.  Wynn tells us that in China, animals were not given names, and trying to think of names was a strange and difficult task.  She liked that their colors matched the cats' and thought maybe their names should match, too.  Over and over, then, she asked to be reminded which was the grey cat and which was the black one.  I think it's funny that she's been here a year and a half and doesn't know the cats' names yet, but it does illustrate how "animals with names" is a hard concept for her.  Our most recent three rabbits were Aristotle, Socrates, and Plato.  We thought these should have philosophers' names as well, but these are does. We found names of female philosophers that were associated with Socrates and Plato, but the names are just a mouthful.  (Examples:  Perictione, Lastheneia, Diotema, Aspasia.)   We thought maybe we should just go with female names from Greek mythology, but that wouldn't be parallel anyway.  (I also suggested Twilight for the grey and Eclipse for the black and got a satisfying round of wails from Andrew, Mandy, Conor, and Cameron.  lol)  Finally, Andrew said, "This black one has a white streak in her hair," and I knew what we should name her:  Polgara!  And Polgara's twin sister was Beldaran.  This was met with enthusiasm by Andrew, Mandy, and Conor.  (David Eddings characters if you are one of the rare and unfortunate people who have not read the Belgariad and the Mallorean.)

Look at Wynn's smiles!  Project well worth while!

More pictures, just cuz:

Fish Tanks, Then and Now

This was the first time we saw Wynn in Kunming, before we officially met her.

This is at the Rainforest Cafe on a trip to Seattle to visit a friend from Kunming.

A Milestone of Sorts

I just went to translate something, and for the first time in 18 months, Google Translate is not one of the thumbnails of my most-used pages on my web browser.  I realized that means we haven't been using it . . . When Wynn doesn't understand something, we've been explaining it to her IN ENGLISH, and she has been explaining herself in English, too.  She calls me her translator, as I'm usually able to put context to her circumlocutions and say, "Oh, you mean . . . "  How great is that?!

Visiting a Friend

You might remember Wynn spotting a picture of someone she knew in her foster village while I was blog surfing.  We had an opportunity to go meet this family as they were visiting relatives in Washington State.  Wynn was very, very nervous about going alone, so she brought her brother/best friend Conor along with her for a cross-state drive and a mini vacation in an econo-hotel.

We visited the International District in Seattle, which had some great shopping opportunities but didn't seem to impress Wynn.  It was truly disappointing that we were unable to find books.  A large Asian bookstore had only one small, partial shelf of books in Simplified Chinese.  Wynn's friend and her mom turned out to be just as wonderful in person as they seem online.  :)  Very, very nice people.  Wynn reacted, as she does whenever stressed or uncomfortable, by shutting down. She interacted minimally with her friend, which was very disappointing to me.  I do know that forcing the issue -taking away iPod, trying to require speech (ha ha)- would only make her withdraw more and become surly.  It was very similar to the way she handles holidays:  talks about them with enthusiasm and anticipation for weeks, and then sits by herself and rejects interaction when the day comes.  Stress at the dichotomy of her expectations and the reality?  I don't know.  Sigh.

Regardless of the fact that they didn't put their heads together and chatter away in two languages, I am so glad that she got to see her friend.  (Hmmm.  Talk about a dichotomy between hopes and reality, Lora?) I am grateful for every fragile tie to her past; I hope that she can see that we appreciate that she had a life before Nortonhood, and that our respect of it is helpful to her.

Holidays are Hard

Holidays seem to be hard for Wynn.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter are better than others, I think because they do not compete with any memories of Chinese holidays.  Both of the birthdays that she has "celebrated" with us, one in China and one here, have been touchy.  Mother's Day, birthdays (all), Chinese New Year . . . She becomes rather sullen and is unwilling or unable to tell us what's wrong.  It appears to be a combination of the holiday not living up to her imagined celebration, and (I am totally hypothesizing) the comparison to the "right" way to celebrate things in China.  At least this time, for Chinese New Year, when I asked if it had been all right, she said, "No, not really.  But I know you tried, Mom," this with reassuring smile.

Wynn Has A New Cousin

Wynn with her new cousin, Benjamin.