Rejection, From Those Rejected

Being back in school has helped Wynn's outlook.  Boredom is not good for her!  She has a million things to tell us about school every day.  In general, day to day life together is smooth and comfortable.  Wynn is amazingly intelligent and determined.

Still, behind the daily pleasant conversations are lots of little jabs and pokes, what I've come to term micro-aggressions.  These are the little ways that she tells us each day that she is not going to participate in being part of our family on our terms.  Mild examples of these are scribbling out her birthday on multiple calendars; addressing me by my first name; leaving messages about her anger, some with profanity, on different papers in unpredictable places.  None of them are big, or direct, rebellions.  It makes me sad, though, and I don't know the best approach.  I don't know how much these are just teenage girl issues and how much are adoption issues.  Wynn will not discuss any of the above.

One of my "love notes" from Wynn.  Of course, the correct thing to do with this one is add a "t," because it is obviously a good day to start a diet.

If parents of one of my patients asked me about similar issues with an adopted or foster child, I would likely tell them that there is a normal stage of learning attachment where a child will test the bonds between himself and the family-in-progress.  I would also advise that it is usually the primary caregiver who will receive the brunt of these tests for two reasons:  One, the closeness of the bond between child and primary caregiver is the one that makes the child feel most vulnerable in the uncertainty of whether this bond is breakable.  And two, as a child struggles for independence, the one on whom he has been most dependent is the one from whom he must push away most firmly.  I would advise unconditional and frequently demonstrated love and very consistent boundaries.  That's what I would say if it were someone who is not me. . .  (And if it were at work, I would be speaking of a much younger child.)

It doesn't leave me with any answers about the best approach.  When my daughter leaves messages about me, describing me with profanity, on the password sheet that hangs in the computer room, should there be a negative consequence (as there would be with a bio child)?  Or would that just send a message that you are required to love your family (and do it my way), any anger is misplaced, and further close the door on communication?

I read some articles to try to get some ideas, and there's not a lot out there for stories that parallel ours.  I did find an article about adopting teens from foster care in which this sentence stood out,  "[Adopted teens'] behaviors invariably test the commitment of their new parents." (Pat O'Brien, the founder of You Gotta Believe, an agency that specializes in placing teens with adoptive families.)  

My first thought was, OK, this is not unusual.  Adopted teens will "invariably" test.  My second thought was that this did not apply to Wynn.  This article is talking about young people who have had multiple placements and have lived through the non-permanency of the foster care system.  It says, for example, "when foster youth exhibit typical negative behaviors, it can get them thrown out of foster homes and even some adoptive homes." Wynn has not been through the foster care system, and she is in absolutely no danger of being removed from our family.

As I thought about it, I started trying to understand how much rejection she may have felt in the past and what understanding she might have (or not have) about permanency.  First, she was abandoned at about 6 months of age.  I believe that this was not the choice her birth family intended or wanted, or they would not have cared for her for 6 months; I believe they loved her. However, to the one abandoned, it is the ultimate rejection.  Then, she went to an orphanage, and then to a foster family.  Once her file was submitted for adoption, though it was totally out of her control, she knew why her picture was being taken.  She knew that families could choose to adopt her . . . and she waited . . . for years.  How could that not feel like rejection?  It seems that the school implied that it was because she was not a good student. (This is reflected in her adoption file reports and was told to us by the orphanage director.  They are wrong.  She is brilliant.)  She told us that her foster mom told her she wasn't chosen because she wasn't pretty enough.  Rejection.  Then, she lost her foster family.  They did not reject her; it is clear through their ongoing contact that they love her and believe that an American adoption is the best opportunity that she could be given.  Still, they sent her away.  How can she not feel rejected, and what notion might she have about what we call "forever family?"

Food for thought.  Food for tears.  Wynn, we love you SO MUCH, and I hope that you come to know it in your head and feel it in your heart with conviction and certainty that requires no thought.