Frustration; It Is Not Always Rosy, Redux

This is a previous post, revisited and edited because the ending is different.

As mentioned in a previous post, Wynn went for a week to Christian summer camp. When she came back, she was initially happy and chattered the whole drive home about all the wonderful things at camp.  Once home, she quickly became angry and sullen, especially at me, and by the end of the day, she had resorted to fully giving me the silent treatment.  She did not speak a single word to me for more than a week.  She is not afraid of commitment!  She was even willing to forego privileges (like going out with Mandy) because I told Mandy yes, but that Wynn had to ask me for permission.

As nearly as I can figure out, the problem was this:  While Wynn was gone, Ariana played with her iPod, primarily using it to watch Angelina Ballerina on Netflix.  Apparently, though, she also played a game on it and messed up Wynn's score or virtual awards Wynn had collected.  I believe that Wynn was angry that I did not protect her things.  Worse, I wasn't very sympathetic.  I told her not to leave her things out.  She has a room of her own, and each child has a safe for money and "valuables."

After just over a week, I finally had currency that led her to find her voice.  It was "payday" for chores.  She had not totally warmed up again, but she was begrudgingly talking a little, so she was allowed to go to my mom's and my sister's (and back and forth) between summer camp and Cameron's birthday.  While she was gone, she talked to me on the phone, texted me, communicated on Facebook.  All seemed fine.

When she returned, almost instantly, she went right back to silent.  This one puzzled me.  I had learned my lesson from the summer camp week.  I kept her door locked the whole time, unlocking it with a key to enter and feed her fish.  This time, I didn't know why.  I even peeked in her room to make sure her fish was still alive.  Maybe I killed her fish or something.  I finally began to get an inkling that the problem was this:  She erroneously believed that the younger children had been in her room stealing her TV tokens while she was gone.  I told her that her door had been locked the whole time, and if anything was missing, it was from before she left, and I would help her find it. She seemed to begin to thaw.  It was a slow thaw.

Finally, the last few days, she has been our happy, giggling, squealing, helpful, fun, and funny girl.

Today, I ticked her off again.  She was angry at Gabrian.  In her defense, he was being extra rowdy and obnoxious, like a 7 1/2 year old boy.  She forced him outside and locked all the doors. This is against the rules, which they all know. (They get the idea from me because Ari does get put outside the door on the enclosed deck when she has a meltdown.  That girl knows how to tantrum! But siblings are not allowed to use this technique on each other.)  I let him back in.  (Primarily because I had just gotten out of the shower and was bare naked in my room and quite startled when I looked up to see Gabrian trying to open my window in my bedroom.)  Wynn was furious. "Why do you let him in?!!!"  I said, "It's against the rules to lock anyone outside,"  and she yelled, "I don't care about your stupid damn rule.  You just spoil him!"  And from that moment, we're back to the silent treatment.

  

I understand how frustrating it must be to try to deal with Gabrian and Ariana all day.  They (Conor and Wynn) have to have something to motivate good behavior or Gabrian and Ari resort to "You're not the boss!" and totally obnoxious behavior.  Wynn has a hard time understanding boundaries of how roughly she can treat the other children.  Both in anger and in play, she very often (more than daily) pinches, hits, twists ears and leads children around by them, uses handfuls of hair as a leash.  She is frequently reprimanded for this behavior and always angry about it.  (We do see this kind of discipline/incentive given to children on some of her Chinese TV shows, so maybe this is an accepted way of relating to children in China.  Nonetheless, it is not OK in our home.)

Understanding that help was needed, today, I re-implemented the "star strip," a behavior tool from the past.  The children get three stars, which can be removed for misbehavior. At the end of a specified time period, there is a consequence if all stars or gone and/or a reward if there are stars remaining (carrot and stick both stated in advance).  This used to work for Cameron; he hated having a star torn off his "star strip" far more than he liked earning a token reward.  Anyway, today I made "Star strips" and made sure that the young hooligans knew that Conor and Wynn were authorized to remove stars.  Loss of all stars would result in early bedtime.  I also gave Conor a couple extra TV tokens that he or Wynn could use to reward good behavior or as out and out bribes.  When I got home, Wynn had destroyed the star strips, tearing them up and scribbling all over them.  The silent treatment continues.  Dinner was skipped.

Throughout these incidents, I have tried so very (very) hard to give no reaction.  I continue talking, from "Good morning, Sweetheart.  Did you sleep well?" to "Good night.  I'll see you in the morning."  There's not a lot to talk about when met by stony silence and emphatic exit, but I still address her when outlining the schedule for the day, upcoming family events and plans, offering smoothies, and asking her preferences on those items/events in which the kids get a say.  Pause to see if there's an answer (no) and continue with no reaction.  I did not want to teach that this strategy is a powerful or even effective one!

The original ending to this blog post explained how I had decided that the ignore / don't assign power technique was not working.  I had decided that if someone decided to not behave like a civil family member, she did not deserve all the privileges that the kids get.  I was taking away her iPod, internet access, and computer account.  (Her favorite pastime is watching Chinese TV online.)  Privileges would be restored when polite behavior was restored.  But . . . my husband convinced/reassured me that any negative reaction would add fuel to the fire, and consistent non-reaction was the way to go.  Sigh.

Later, it also occurred to me that a young lady who has to try to integrate herself into a strange and already established family unit has every reason to withdraw.  In addition to that, she is probably operating within a reasonable paradigm to test the limits of family love and tolerance to see if it really is immutable.  What she needs is consistent acceptance and love, even at her grumpiest.

And she really is a lovely and lovable girl!

Update:  And our happy, chatterbox girl DID come back on the very same day this was posted.  She is such a joy!  We will continue to love her and hang in there when she is unhappy and unable to talk about it.