Changes; Big Changes

We hardly recognize this girl in our home as the same girl we met in Kunming.  She is so amazing, so loveable, and so loved!

The changes that she has made/is making are coming so rapidly we can scarcely catalog them all, but here are some specifics we've noticed.

When we were sleeping at my brother Matthew's house, during one of the many times I was up tending to one thing or another (not usually restful nights when we have all of the children sleeping someplace other than their own beds), Wynn was shivering and said, "I'm cold.  It's very cold," so I got her an extra sleeping bag to spread on top.  It was a small thing, but significant for voicing her needs (literally, no writing), speaking clearly in English - and thank God, it was a need I could help with - building trust.

She has gone from not acknowledging that her Dad is leaving for work in the morning to giggling "No, no!" while we tease her about whether he should hug and kiss her goodbye (as he does the other kids).

At my workplace, she has moved from deadpanning all of my co-workers, speaking only to Ari, and that only when I was out of earshot . . . to, "Lora, Wynn waved good-bye when I was leaving!" . . . to yesterday, tapping one of my co-workers and saying, "Look!  Ari is so cute!" while pointing to pictures on the family blog.  Yesterday, we had a lengthy chat (while I was trying to write an evaluation** - sigh - and she was at the computer to my right) about many, many pictures on the blog.  Wynn would name the people in each picture, note whether they were being cute or funny, and ask when each picture was taken.  A picture from the carousel, she noted, "Park . . . Conor birthday."  (Yes, the carousel is at the park that we walked in while Conor watched an Imax movie.)  A picture of kindergarten-aged Conor:  "Conor . . .  look . . . a little . . . Gabrian."  (Yes, kindergartner Gabrian looks a little like kindergartner Conor did.)  After she went out of hearing range to study with her English tutor, several co-workers commented on how much she was talking. (Course, they might have meant, "Um, Lora, get to work.")

Yep.  She chatters all day now.  The days of silence are gone.  She tries very hard to express herself completely in English and only turns to the translator if her English leads her to a dead end.   It has to be so hard.  Except for daily need requests and play routines with siblings, it is slow, effortful, agrammatic . . . and miraculous!  She is also beginning to be able to use her dictionary (book, not electronic) to find a word.  She looked up a word and asked for help pronouncing it ("entire") so she could tell me, "I like the entire children of family."  Well, good!

She and Conor have begun cultivating a good friendship - well, she wrestles with and wollups on him, but he continues laughing, so I guess it's all good.  They began awkwardly.  Conor (of course) wanted to be friends but expressed frustration that he didn't know how.  "I don't know what to do.  I can't even talk to her!"  She was only comfortable with the younger siblings.  Somehow, without us noticing how they worked through the challenges, they have suddenly become a noisy, giggling, rowdy pair.

She is busy planning a re-design of her room.  She would like it to be bright blue with tropical fish decorations.  (I'd have had that ready for her if China would have allowed us communication before meeting her!)  She shows me pictures of the decorations she wants and explains to me where she will put them.  (All in English.)  It actually might be good that her room wasn't prepared correctly because she gets to participate and make it her own - and it gives us many great Christmas ideas.  But . . . I love the red wall with bamboo, and I'm so bummed it's not right for her. I decided that I will take the bamboo off if she really, really wants (sniffle), but I do not want to do any repainting, especially over that dark red.  I suggested that she move her desk over to the red wall so that it will cover the red and bamboo and give her more wall space to decorate with fish.  (Someday, she might outgrow the fish theme and be glad to have the bamboo . . . I hope.)  No.  She made it very clear that she does not want to get rid of any of the current decorations.  I suggested taking down the framed camellia picture to make room for fish, and she said no, no, no, put fish around it.  LOL, I will certainly let her smother her walls with tropical fish wall decals and have begun hunting for tropical fish bedding,*  She has also requested pictures of all of the family, including Grandma, Grandpa, Nana, Gramps, and Auntie to put on her walls.  She would also like the names of all of the family members on her walls.  (I'm so glad she values the family to this extent!) It's going to be quite an eclectic decor when done - and I don't think she has enough wall space!

Another big change has been menu.  She still likes noodles and a specific brand of dumplings for breakfast and lunch (and asks often when we will next go to Mongolian Grill), but she has just begun to eat dinner with us.  She no longer trades her plate for a bowl of ramen.  She takes a very small first helping, and then almost always goes back for more.  Last night, we had shepherd's pie, which had to be totally weird to her.  She had a very small helping.  I said, "You can have noodles if you want."  She said, "No.  I like," and got more shepherd's pie.  (She did not like olives or cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving.)  :)

There's much more, I'm certain, that I can't think of or don't know where to begin to explain.  I can just say that I'm very pleased and thank God for Wynn and for helping Wynn get through this transition.  Wynn and I spend a lot of time together, obviously, meeting her daily needs, working on her homework, practicing reading and pronouncing English, and these days, just laughing together.  A co-worker had asked me once, "Lora, how are you going to do your attachment parenting with a 14 year old?"  and my honest answer was, "I have no idea!"  Well, I think it has to do with availability, accessibility, and devotion**.   I know that it is working for me; I am very attached to her!  I hope it is working as well for her.

There are still some concerns, some very, very minor in the big picture, and some that worry me.

I mentioned in the Thanksgiving post that she still wears many, many layers, including her coat.  I would like to help her be comfortable removing some layers and think that we might not get there before summer!

She doesn't sleep well.  The nights that we were away from home and she chose to sleep on cot or air mattress in the room with me and Michael, we were acutely aware that she does not sleep.  She has told me that she has trouble sleeping and asked if I had methods to help.  I gave her Benadryl tablets, which she took a couple of nights, but they apparently didn't help, so now she will not attempt melatonin or sleep aid tablets that I have offered.

When she does sleep, she sleeps on the floor and will not try her bed.  (*I hope that maybe enticing her with tropical fish sheets might help?)

She is terrified of the idea of starting school and refuses to discuss it more than "No, No!"  I am helping her with English study with structured activities and have done some lessons with her in math and learning about American money, but I am not adequate to homeschool!!!  Teaching her about God is slow-going, too!

**My approach to parenting Wynn is that relationship is the paramount priority.  With an infant, this comes naturally through meeting daily needs - food, diapers, cuddles.  With Wynn, this might translate to food, TV, and fingernail polish!  But to meet the emotional needs?  She is not that open yet.  She is not willing to let me look at her photo album from China and talks little to none about her life in China - only if I ask a direct, simple question.  I can't meet the big emotional needs that as of yet remain unacknowledged - grief over her loss, missing her China family, trauma of adjusting to our home.  All I can do is be available and accessible.  I will interrupt almost anything that I am doing to focus on her when she approaches.  I do not know if it is adequate - but I do know that it's a lot of work.  I was prepared for difficulties but still surprised by the amount of work that even simple communication takes (and me an SLP!  lol).  I have also been surprised by how much "helping Wynn" has fallen to me rather than being shared by the family.  (This is following Wynn's lead, not because the rest of the family is not eager and willing to help!)  In time, I will keep spreading this out to the rest of the family, but everything I know about attachment and relationships, as well as my instinct, tells me to continue to fill this role, and Wynn's adjustment and our family adjustment will be better for it.  It is analogous, though very different, to a newborn whose first circle of security is learning he can rely on Mom.  I don't know if I am right; I do know I love her very much.